I was never a traitor to Leafs: Sundin

On a Friday night in the Big Smoke, a city where he had lived for 13 years, Mats Sundin didn't know quite what to do with himself.

It was all wrong. Or, at least, it was all different.

Not home - just another stop on the road. As if. Not the Toronto Maple Leaf captain - just another opposing player. As if.

Landing at the airport at 5 p.m., shuffling onto a team bus rather than his own SUV, trying to decide between staying at the team hotel or bedding down at the Forest Hill mansion he has yet to sell, and undecided about that too.

It was not just another night-before-a-game, any more than this is just another game day at the Air Canada Centre: Visitors' cramped dressing room, alien locker stall, different logo on his chest, crunch of media waiting and tenor of fan reception anybody's guess.

Sundin is back in Toronto but only passing through, the countdown on his much anticipated return - chronicled all week as the Vancouver Canucks swung east, approaching Hockey Ground Zero, centre of the universe (self-proclaimed) - ticking towards zero, or 20:00.

Not since his days as a Quebec Nordique has Sundin had this sort of experience, suiting up in T.O.

"It feels like coming home,'' the big Swede admitted last night, after pulling into his house, where he hadn't been since last fall. "Toronto still feels like home to me.''

He admits to an escalating sense of the "jitters," as curious as anyone else how the crowd will respond this evening, insisting that it won't make a difference. "I don't know if there will be jeers or cheers, probably both."

But for those who do boo, Sundin wants to make one thing absolutely clear: "I was never a traitor to the Leaf franchise. I was proud of being a Leaf. There are so many memories that I will treasure forever - all the ups and downs, the friends I made, the fans who always treated me well.''

No regrets, he says, although there is a hint of poignancy in that declaration.

It does hurt, Sundin concedes, in being portrayed as a turncoat. He wasn't the one who walked away. He was turned away. Nor was it his responsibility to fix the future for Toronto by taking his leave of the club at last year's trade deadline, when he so stubbornly refused to waive a no-trade clause negotiated in good faith.

"I honestly don't understand it, this (accusation) of being a traitor. I certainly don't look at myself that way. When I stayed with the team at the deadline, it was because I didn't think it was appropriate for the captain to leave. We were still fighting for a playoff spot and I honestly believed, at that point, it could happen."

Many will mock that fantasy, just as they've mocked Sundin's earlier and constant refrain of rejecting the rent-a-player role, which he now appears to have assumed. But he doesn't see it that way either.

"I would not call myself a rent-a-player. It's not like I went in and demanded a trade to a better team in the middle of the season. Last summer, I really didn't know if I would ever play in the NHL again.

"If I hadn't signed with Vancouver, I would have retired. That's not being a rent-a-player. But you can argue that stuff until the end of time."

Sundin was sluggish off the mark, as he'd fully expected and warned those scrutinizing his return back in early January. But on a second line, No.13 has steadily brought his game up to par.

"Things were not as good as they could have been, in the beginning. But they weren't the worst either. It's a process and a challenge, especially at my age."

Sundin takes some comfort in not being the be-all and end-all Canuck, appreciating that role belongs to the Sedin twins; that his job is to spread the offence around and boost Vancouver's fortunes in the playoffs. He's thinking no further ahead than that, hasn't even considered what comes next.

Some day, Sundin's Leaf jersey will be raised to the rafters at the ACC. Hopefully, there will be nary a boo then, enough time elapsed to smother any ill will or bitterness. At home in Stockholm, Sundin still has that Leaf sweater, with the "C'' on the shoulder.

As Ottawa's Dany Heatley observed the other night of Sundin: "He's a Leaf for life.''

And it is a life sentence, being Leaf captain, even when the term has been served.